Saying goodbye to ye old life and family

So far, no new developments on the poverty front. Dad informs me that I'm what financieers call a "judgment-proof case" since it would cost more money to take me to court than they could possibly get from the settlement. So, essentially, as long as I'm broke and asset-less for the rest of my life, I should be fine. Yay.

One thing that really infuriated me about the AES statement is that the date I withdrew enrollment is listed, according to AU, as August 31st, 2006. That's why payments start in March. If you've been following my blog for more than a few weeks you'll know that I most assuredly lived on campus, attended classes, and all the other stuff which goes along with being enrolled in college right up until the 18th of December when FAFSA attacked my life with atom bombs. I guess that there's a six month grace period for dropouts... And since AU told them the WRONG DATE I get to suffer for it. Come Monday AU will receive angry phone calls courtesy of moi.

Why oh why does God hate me so much?

Tomorrow I fly back home to my girl in Colorado. It's an odd combination of relief and sadness here... I've been dying to get back home to my lady and the puppies and kitty and all my things but having spent a week at my parents' house it's been somehow natural to settle into old routines and comfort zones. I guess it may always feel like this: no matter how long I'm away from this house or how much I've been desperate to escape it, there will always be some strange element of 'home' when I return to it.

Last night Crystal asked me what I will miss most and after a while I determined it'd be my bed. My old room has been overtaken by their lives, transformed into a combination storage and school room for Jonathan, but my bed is the same as it has always been. When I'm buried under mounds of quilts to keep out the basement freeze and it's as pitch dark as a basement bedroom can be, there's no way to tell that it isn't my room anymore. The mental picture I have still has my things on the walls, my OCD arrangements to furniture and decorations, clothes, stuffed animals, books all in their proper places. I suppose that the place you lie in the dark completely vulnerable in sleep is the place which will always have the greatest sense of security and home attached to it.

Each day I've spent here has had a different internal set of goodbyes. As I've gone to this old hangout or that familiar grocery store it's been a little like a walking sequel to Goodnight, Moon. Goodbye, Starbucks. Goodbye, AU. Goodbye, old library with the red balloon. (Okay, so there was no balloon involved. But for the sake of rhythm it's kinda gotta be there.)

Yesterday there was a singles' meeting at my parents' church (basically really for all 18 to 25 y.o.s), so I went to that to say goodbye to my old family. I've never delved into describing my history with this church here, but most of it isn't good. At the same time, though, it was my family for quite some time. The members were uncles, aunts, brothers and sisters. No matter how much s--- they might have put me through there will always be some connection and longing for the sense of acceptance and belonging they used to give me.

It was strange and somewhat surreal being back there for an actual meeting. I'd gone to a couple events over the years, but it was the first service I'd sat through in honestly at least three years. It was bizarre how few people recognized me - or acknowledged me if they did. Sad.

Plus the hyper-friendly small talk about killed me. I'm not a small talk person. I really don't care to talk about my job or the weather or school. I mean, dude, these people used to know me better than any others and I them. Ask me how I'm doing, let's talk about your goals and interests and what's been on your mind most lately. Because really? I kinda don't care about what you ate for breakfast or how hard that test was.

The service was depressing, too. God, there was just so much about that place that destroyed me all over again! The preacher was speaking on sex and it brought back all these old memories as he talked about how every sexual act, thought, and impulse is wrong before marriage. From actual sex to masturbation, jokes, movies including anything suggestive. I don't want to start an opinionated rampage here, but this sort of church teaching is what results in the complete sexual disconnect I've had to deal with. Feeling dirty, ashamed and despised for the slightest attraction. I know sex is a...hehe, touchy subject...but still. Even should one choose to wait until marriage, I'll maintain that completely stifling every natural thought thereof is ridiculous. After all, didn't god give us those instincts? Just a thought.

The thing which completely put me over the edge and made me walk out before the sermon was over was when he started talking about how church members should relate to non-Christians. He said how members shouldn't laugh with them, but rather they "should weep for them, trapped and blind in their sins".

I wrote a note down saying, "If you want to help me, HELP ME. I don't need tears!!!" Tears don't pay my medical bills or buy me food. If someone is in poverty and can't afford to buy things like their medications, shaving cream, food, basic necessities, saying "Wow, that sucks... I'll be praying for you" DOES S--T. Stop praying and start DOING something.

After the meeting I was a land mine. When I'm pissed off...don't cross me. That place lays out such an abundance of food after every meeting - they had fruit platters, cheese and sausage, sandwiches, wraps, f-ing shrimp cocktail platters, chips, candy, soda, cookies, cream puffs, eclairs, pastries... Probably a good thousand dollars worth of food. At the end there was so much left over that the takedown people were walking around carrying trays, shoving them in our faces, asking if we wanted to take anything home.

When the fourth person tried to get me to take food I snapped. "Excuse me, but why don't you spend less time buying snacks for yourselves and actually give the money to homeless people who need it?" After she stopped reeling she tried for a snappy recovery comeback. "Well, we figure that these are college students and we're all pretty poor so we do need it!"Right. Because you can't afford groceries. And because cream puffs and shrimp cocktail are really going to nourish you for the next several weeks.

I know that some people reading this go to that church. I know that others of you are probably very religious. Let me please state that I have nothing against being religious or believing in god or trying to live one's life by a moral code. But I have a big f-ing vendetta against HYPOCRITES. Even I find ways to manage to help others out whenever I can. It's part of why I'm often strapped for cash - because I'll choose to give my five to some homeless guy instead of using it to buy myself coffee.

Don't slam the door in your children's faces because of something stupid like their sexual orientation, preach love and acceptance, and glut yourselves while refusing to help those in need. THAT'S what I'm against. That is NOT f-ing Christianity. You wonder why I left your church? It's because I see more spiritual, loving, moral behavior among all those poor heathens you weep for than I have EVER witnessed coming from the hands of your church members. I'm sick to death of the crap you spew. The only charitable donations you've ever given me are judgments, shame, and condemnation.

If I'm headed for hell because of not accepting what you preach, so be it. I would rather live my life to the best of my ability and bless as many people as I can in the process than EVER accept the vicious gospel you preach.