Latest and Greatest

I am delighted to unveil the following two things.

1. My new haircut!

And beyond that, the thing I am most super excited about and have been working on for weeks and months and aaaages. At long last, Tshirt Design Number Two is revealed!

Front:

Back:

This design will be available on Etsy tonight, once I'm more awake from my nap. ^.^ Also, shirts are still customisable (to a point)... Should you want to, say, have the back of this design and the front of the other (the 20% Will die from their eating disorder) please just be sure to specify as such in your order. (And because I don't have enough parentheses in this paragraph, the stencil for 'Bulimia is a disorder, not a lifestyle' is on its way and almost finished.)

In other news, I saw my new therapist today for the first appointment after the intake exam. She's arright, I guess... Interning and I'm not totally sure she knows what she's doing, to be honest, but for ten dollars a session (THANK GOD SLIDING SCALE) I think it may be worth it to give her some time.

One other thing I don't like so much is that because she is working under the UCDenver counselling center, she'll be moving on to some other location/assignment after the end of the summer. This means yet another therapeautic alliance which will just have time to be created before it ends. Which, for some of the things I'm trying to address, is really not the most helpful, nurturing environment. I suppose it may not be the best thing that my first response was, eh, I'm used to it. :-P Well... We'll see how it goes.

Um, um, um. Hm...

C'est tout!

Recovered? Functioning? Surviving?

You know, I wish that my depression was caused by my eating disorder and that developing a healthy relationship with food would heal the depression, too. In many cases, depression is a sort of side effect or symptom of an eating disorder... In my case, the more I look at it, the more I feel like it's either the other way around or they're just unrelated for the most part. Perhaps two illnesses which, while caused by different things, happen to have certain overlapping symptoms. (Probably the most likely scenario.)

Earlier today I was looking over some of my old journals, particularly the one I started while on a week-long stint in the hospital following a series of suicidal acts. For one thing, it was a little depressing to be reminded how much better my writing is during periods of hypomania than straight up depression but that's neither here nor there... It's always heartbreaking to me to read my old journals and see how completely dominated they are by calorie counts, weigh-ins, and self-abuse of all kinds. All I talked about was loneliness, jealousy, constant attacks against everything which makes me human and female and a teenager.

....Train of thought is completely derailing, goddamnit. Frasier's on, my stomach is full, my feet and legs are sore from standing all day, my eyelids are droopy, and I've got t'shirts and debt on the brain. I'm terrified I've ruined Crystal's and my life and we'll end up living in a shack in West Virginia we've built ourselves out of cardboard and cinderblocks surviving off doritos and coke and hamburger helper. I can't keep thinking about all this f-ing debt or I'm going to bring on a panic attack. Like, now. God...

My mental health is so much better, in some ways. I eat, more or less regularly, I don't actively focus on restricting, I function, I hold a job (for which I haven't even called out on account of mental breakdown since I started in January!), I pay the bills on time, I make t'shirts and e-mail and blog and help support others, I even have sort of made a couple friends at work. And yet... "function" may be the key word for my current status.

I've been going through days with a lot of depersonalization lately. Just kinda going it minute by minute and trying to make sure I get done what I need to do. Even when I've had the opportunity to do fun things, when I've been getting honors and recognition, when I've been spending time on dates with my girlfriend, I haven't been all there. I've felt incredibly fatigued all the time and that not-quite-sick-but-still-kinda-crappy meh-ness almost non stop. I've wondered if it's a flare up of the mono I had a couple years ago but now am starting to think maybe it's just depression. (Where does depression hurt? Everywhere. Cymbalta...)

Let's hope that the CU Denver counselling center decides to call me back at some point in the near future. And that I can last without meds until I get Cheesecake Factory health insurance in July. Meeeeehhhh.

Brief update

I say this every time, but I'm exhausted. Due to the current state of fatigue this will be a bullet style entry...

Events of note:
--I chopped off my hair! I mean, not personally, but I comissioned someone to chop it off for me. It's all cute and short and dykey boi-y now. Pictures to come when dark undereye circles diminish. :-P
--The shipment of t'shirts came in today! They will be listed shortly after I finish this entry, so head on over to the shop if you're interested in buying one and weren't able to before the others sold out.

Things I've been thinking about:
--"God Hates Fags". They're planning on protesting at the funerals of the kids from V Tech because they feel that basically everything that goes wrong in America is God's divine retribution for our tolerance of homosexuals. They picket funerals for military who are killed overseas, those who died in September 11th, and all sorts of other events. (For one thing, the fact that these people exist ought to show you how tolerant America is of gays...) I want to... I don't even know. But they piss me off in an extremely significant way. Also? They call these organized pickets "Love Crusades". Just thought you should know.
--The Lab at Belmar. This is a new art gallery here in CO that Crystal and I visited yesterday. It was actually not what I was expecting... People around here have been RAVING about it, but I was kinda disappointed. Crystal observed that it's probably because the art displays there were "happy, and [I] don't seem able to understand happy art". C'est vrai.
--Sleep.

Kicking it into high gear

--Hi everybody. This is Crystal, and once again I'm taking over because Taylor's being wayyy too modest. She finally has been permanently linked on the Postsecret website and has received about one hundred and fifty emails (in 12 hours) about her shirts, and sold out in a really short time. You should all take the time to congratulate her on her victory!

Also, go check things out on the Post Secret website.

That is all! Now, to let her continue with her entry.--

Wowie zowie. First off, a big thank you to all the different e-mail-ers! Also, a big apology to all those who want shirts and found they were sold out... I'm placing an order tonight and provided shipping isn't too ridiculous will try to get it here two-day shipping.

I plan on replying to as many e-mails as I possibly can, but am not going to start tackling it tonight. I worked a double shift today and am just beat. (Plus, though I'll spare you gross girly details for once, I'm cramping like a...painful, painful, cramping thing...and just don't feel well.) The tiredness and not-feeling-well-ness are melding together into one of those super-storms that overwhelm ships and result in crappy blockbuster movies and...metaphor derailed... Haha, and the whole point of it was to say that I'm too tired to write coherently.

So. I'm going to go paint shirts until bedtime, then work another six hours or so, maybe cut my hair, then come home and do it aaaall over again! (And maybe get to some of those e-mails tomorrow night, too.)

Peace and love and monkey grease. Mwah. Kisses. Nigh' night.

A more thought-out continuation

Well, I don't know how to directly link MP3s into this thing, nor can I find an actual music video for this song, but I want to put it in so...here is. It's just the song with a boring backdrop that never changes, but the point is that the song is there and in good quality (unlike most of the videos, which are cell phone video recordings of live performances).



The song is called 'Swing Life Away' and always manages to make me feel a little better. Granted, I'm still feeling quite shitty about the money situation, but despite how romanticized the song is it's still a reminder that Crystal and I aren't the only people in a really bad way who nevertheless manage to get by.

In fact, it got me thinking about pretty much all my close friends who've ever been eating disordered or major depressive or just plain crazy... One of the biggest consequences that never gets mentioned publicly is DEBT. All of us seem to be in major sort of debt. More than half have been forced to drop out of college. We've all got incredible hospital bills looming over us, nutritionists, therapists, psychiatrists, medications, ER bills and surgeries.

Continuing briefly on that last comment: yes, surgeries. I have no doubt that, in some way, my poor physical health contributed to me needing my shoulder surgery when I did. I've had joint problems for some time which I have no doubt are resultant from malnutrition taking a toll. Many other girls have nasogastric tubes to pay for, surgery to correct gastroparesis or perforated esophaguses. Surgery and eating disorders have a pretty damn high correlation from what I've seen. I mean, lets be honest.

Eating disorders don't just f-k with your head: they destroy your health. They suppress your immune system leading to a higher instance of other illnesses (i.e. chronic mononucleosis, in my case), brittle bones and osteoporosis, weakened muscular system, damaged tendons and ligaments, liver and kidney problems, tooth decay, on and on. These are all the quiet consequences no one notices until the systems start to break down, and then don't realize that they are, in fact, due to the eating disorder.

Sooo... I'm in a lot of debt. But I'm also not the only one. Maybe I just complain more, and more publicly? Who knows... Today I'm calling AES and the independent lender and working out payment plans, as well as sending off the first small check to start repaying my hospital bill.

I keep trying to remind myself that yes, I've got a lot of people to repay, but I'm only twenty years old. (Did you know that?) I may feel like I'm fifty, but in reality my parents aren't even quite that old. I've got a long time left, hopefully, and if by some freak accident I did kick the bucket then I wouldnt' have to worry about those debts anymore, anyway. Even if it took me ten years to repay these I'd be free by the time I'm thirty.

That's really not so bad in the grand scheme of things...

Right?

...is anybody out there?

I know, I know, I'M the one who hasn't been posting. But...yeah.

Latest update in my life? BOTH my new tank tops are now gone, I've just laid half my bank account down on a car, need to somehow figure out how to afford the apartment we need to find, payments on my student loans are starting to come up, cell phone bill is due the 14th, I still owe the hospital $1600, can't go back to serving until I find a doctor to check out my shoulder and write a note saying I'm okay to do so, can't afford said doctor, have car payments and car insurance to look forward to in a matter of weeks.

So, basically, I'm really goddamn stressed about my finances. I half-heartedly joked that the only option left seems suicide, but aside from not wanting to die I'd be too afraid of botching it and just being left with even MORE hospital bills.

Maybe I need to start whoring myself.

READ ME NOW!

WE TOTALLY BOUGHT A CAR.

IT'S TOTALLY A SEXY, RED, 2000 TOYOTA CELICA GT.

ISN'T IT JUST THE TOTALLY MOST BEAUTIFUL THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

AND IT'S SO TOTALLY COMFORTABLE INSIDE.

I'M TOTALLY EXCITED. (AND THE WINDOWS ARE TOTALLY REFLECTIVE!)

See? Still alive!

Damn. I guess it HAS been a long time since I've updated.

Really, there's no good excuse for it. In fact, there is no excuse for it, period. I just haven't felt like it. And I haven't done it. I've laid around on my arse whenever I'm not at work and have had absolutely no motivation toward doing anything. The things on my mind have been subjects I choose not to discuss in my blog for various personal reasons that may remain no matter how public my life goes.

SO. Crystal suggests I write an entry on the character Maris from Frasier. Since moving here I've become kind of addicted to this show and even find Maris amusing. If you've read this blog for very long then you'll know I take issue with the way eating disorders are depicted in pretty much all sorts of television and movies and other forms of media. I hate it when they're made fun or light of and especially when people with them are mocked. But for some reason, Maris is really really funny.

If you don't watch Frasier, the whole premise of the show is about being all pretentious and psychiatric and although it's really Freudian a lot of the time it's still pretty damn funny. Maris is the wife (later, ex-wife) of one of the main characters, Niles Crane, and is a pretty serious anorexic. You never actually see her throughout the whole run of the show. For a succinct explanation, I go to Wikipedia. "Maris is described as an exceptionally insecure, petty, domineering and generally unpleasant woman, selfish and obsessed with social standing. She is described as being extremely thin and rarely eats, consuming only tiny morsels of food when she does. Frasier compares her to a bag of flour: "bleached, 100% fat-free and best kept in an air-tight container". Frasier also once sarcastically referred to Maris as "ounces of fun". She is intensely neurotic and suffers from a wide array of medical conditions and phobias."

Maybe I laugh too lightly, but, again, I think that the jokes made about her are really funny. Some of them come really close to home, but in general I think it's good to be able to look at some of the ways anorectics think and be able to laugh. Honestly, sometimes if I can step back and think logically about things, some of the ways that I think are just plain ludicrous. (That's not to say I can get away from them easily, but seriously, to be terrified to walk past a McDonald's because I think I'll somehow breathe in the calories...It's just funny!)

Well, since beyond that I really don't much feel like updating (or thinking, or writing, hence updating) I'm going to leave you with some of my favorite quotes. So tell me. Funny? Offensive? Or just plain unremarkable? Provide me your answers. Go.

Niles: Just remember that she can't have shellfish... poultry, red meat, staturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulfates, MSG or herring. Did I say nuts?
Frasier: Oh, I think that's implied.

Frasier: Where's Maris?
Niles: Well, we were just getting ready to leave the house when Maris caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror--

Niles, on the phone: Calm down, dear, calm down. Listen. Take a left, then the second right, then a left again. Okay. Okay, goodbye, sweetheart. (Hangs up)
Frasier: Maris got lost again?
Niles: Yes, she wandered into the kitchen by mistake. I had to talk her back to the living room.

Daphne: You know, when I was younger, I dreamed of being a ballerina meself.Niles: So did Maris. The poor thing could never get her weight up enough.
(I love that one... It makes me laugh and cringe at the same time.)

Niles: Yes, Maris, I'm sure. No, no, you can't gain weight from a glucose I.V. No, no, my little worrywart, there's no such thing as a Nutrasweet drip.
(And this. Because honestly, if you've ever been on an IV, has that not been the biggest worry of all time? Even if it was just saline...)

Niles: It's time I braved the dark streets and got back to my Maris. I just hope it isn't like the lightning storm last month. The only way I could coax her out from under the bed was by tying a Prozac to the end of a string.
(Hehehe. Crystal drew a cartoon of herself trying to lure me off the floor that way... Made me laugh.)

Niles: Maybe it wouldn't hurt to look into getting some of her eggs frozen.
Frasier: I suspect they're only a few degrees away from that now.

Niles: Poor Maris, she's so worried - she hasn't had much hospital experience, except for the usual childhood things - tonsils, adenoids, force-feeding.

Niles: My wife Maris has all our servants down at your campaign headquarters licking envelopes. She'd do it herself, but the poor thing can't produce saliva.

Niles: She's pushed me around long enough. Metaphorically of course. In reality she can hardly push at all. Like that terrible afternoon last spring she spent trapped in the revolving doors at Bergdorf's!

Niles: Yes, Maris and I have taken to giving each other gag gifts. I gave her a cookbook.

Roz, peeking through the keyhole: I see her coat on a hat rack.
Frasier: Look closer. Is the hat rack moving?
Roz, horrified: Oh my God!!

Niles: I've never seen her look so seductive. She wore a clingy gown, crimson lipstick, even earrings, which she tends to avoid as they make her head droop...

Frasier: Maris never let you cook for her.
Niles: That's true. The closest I ever got was restocking the pills in her bedside Lazy Susan.

Frasier: It's hard to believe that's the same woman who once sprained her wrist from having too much dip on a cracker.

...Haha, well, now even if you like the quotes you've no reason to watch the show, eh? I've given you some of the best. Well, in any case, I'd love to hear your thoughts.