Some exciting developments

Nothing on the Danny Jr front, unfortunately, but some other things related to the Novare Project which I'm really thrilled to report!!!

October 9th (was that Tuesday?) saw the release of Frank Warren's fourth PostSecret book, "A Lifetime of Secrets". I've read all the books and visit the website far more regularly than church, and want to report that as far as I'm concerned this is the best one to date. The secrets are arranged fairly chronologically and it makes for an incredibly powerful read, as earlier secrets are echoed by total strangers later in life, others are refuted, others repeated. As far as anyone (except the submitter) knows, all these secrets are sent in by totally different people who've never met each other, may never meet... Yet so many of us share the same thoughts and experiences even while we feel totally alone.

I'm rambling a little, but point being: the book is really, truly awesome. I'd highly recommend you go buy it if possible.

The way this connects to Novare is that Frank has continued to be an awesome support to it, continually helping provide me with media opportunities and suggestions for ways to continue building on the project. Thursday he appeared on the Today Show to discuss his book... And, as Laurie pointed out to me in an e-mail, he gave a shout-out to the Novare Project! The above links to the video (I haven't succeeded in finding a way to embed it here) and the shout-out is in the last ten seconds or so of the interview. (The rest is super awesome, though, so don't skip it.)

Something really exciting about this... I was actually contacted by Frank's publisher earlier this week... She e-mailed me to ask if I'd be interested in flying out to New York to appear on the Today Show for that interview which you saw above. How freaking exciting is that?? I mean, as you can see, the logistics didn't work out for me to go to NY this week...

But in further communications with the publisher, I was able to tell her how seriously interested I am in doing something like that and she said that I'd be 'at the top of her list' for some upcoming media opportunities. One of them will be with a pretty major talk show next month... And I really, really, really hope that it'll be able to work out. I don't really want to say which show it'll be, in case it doesn't work, but I'm super seriously hoping. Of course, if anything does pan out, I will let you all know first of all.

Wish me luck!

Incurable cases?

It Gets Better - Jenni Schaeffer

This is my personal inspiration for today, which I thought I'd share with all of you. After actively fighting this disorder for almost a year and a half (as opposed to passively, which constitutes the latter half of my life) I often feel like I should be well now. I should be eating regularly, enjoying it, maintaining or gaining weight --- especially not losing and not caring, or finding vicious celebrity gossip 'thinspiring'.

I do miss being under a hundred. I miss being dizzy all day. I miss the bruises all along every ill-padded bone. I miss regular self-injury. My eating disorder has been nothing but abusive, spiteful, manipulative, selfish, ruinous, and yet perhaps I will always miss it.

Lately, you've been watching me relapse to some extent. Perhaps it's not been much of an active relapse, but I've still not been doing a whole lot to fight it too hard. The past few weeks have been the sort wherein eating somehow feels like an exhaustive, distasteful chore whose purpose is obscure and value inconclusive.

Today I'm trying to reinforce the understanding that it is okay to relapse. Probably this is not the statement most professionals would want me to be saying, but be realistic here. Relapse will happen. I'm not saying it is okay to embrace it. I'm saying it's okay for it to happen. It is okay to accept bad days along with good.

What's not okay is to welcome it, engage with it, actively pursue it and see how bad it can get. Today I'm trying to look at my life and say, all right. I've been having some bad times lately. My eating has not been what it should be and my attempts to thwart it haven't been up to par. Now that I understand this, I can accept it as something which happens from time to time instead of beating myself up about it for being the worst recoverer ever. I can acknowledge the bad and try to pick myself up again instead of saying, crap, I failed again, I must just not be cut out for this health thing. I can let the relapse be what it is and then let it go.

One thing Jenni wrote in her article in particular stood out to me: her realization that the belief she held about being too ill to recover was false. I remember many, many journal entries along those lines and can now realize that even in the midst of a bad spell I'm still able to see how far I've come toward health and that I'm still moving toward it even despite a two steps forward one back progression.

I still often feel that this disorder may always be with me. But I know now that it does not and will not always control me. I AM NOT TOO SICK TO GET BETTER!!! I was not the sickest, I was not the least sick, but I AM getting better in spite of everything!

Be encouraged!!! You probably feel like a hopeless case. Like no matter how many people say they understand, they really, truly don't. They can't see inside you and realize what a horrible, twisted, incurable creature you are. Like I'm full of sh-t for saying that I know what you're feeling. I won't claim to be all-knowing or all-answer-ful. But I will say that I have felt that before. Sometimes I've felt that my core evil was so warped and disgusting and pervasive as to be a tangible force. I've felt that it defined every part of my being so inextricably that all I would ever be able to be was worthless.

So not true.

Please, please don't listen to the lies this disorder tells you. It tells you you are worthless because it makes you easier to control. Would a person who highly valued and loved herself be as easily inclined to destroy herself as one who thought she were worthless? It's all a power scheme. A vicious and effective one, but only a scheme.

It is possible to break from this disorder and grasp the health that seems so impossible.

A Bizarre Turn of Events

After a few hours thought and cross-referencing, I've decided that this is indeed legitimate and, as such, warrants an entry. On first encountering this bit of celeb gossip on a friend's livejournal page I really didn't believe this thing was true. It's just so out there, so ridiculous and offensive and insane that I didn't think it could possibly be anything but spiteful, manufactured, grab-for-attention rumours.

And then... I found it referenced on MSNBC. Gossip rags and celeb tabloids I can overlook. MSNBC on the other hand is a pretty reliable source.

Apparently, Ms Nicole Richie threw a Memorial Day party over the weekend. Her e-mail invite to friends somehow got leaked to the press and is now causing a big stir... Reason being?

My fellow Americans its that time of year
To celebrate our country by drinking massive amounts of beer
Let's stand together as one, live the American dream
Take shots, pass out, & wake up with our pants ripped open at the seems
Let's glorify this day in your sluttiest tops and your tightest pair of tsubi jeans
Even though we have no f----g clue what Memorial Day really means!!

There will be a scale at the front door. No girls over 100 pounds allowed in. Start starving yourself now. See you all then!!!

Can you see why I thought this fake?

Part of the reason I've hesitated so many hours before writing this is that I have no idea how to respond to it. It's just so bizarrely over-the-top offensive. Just... Damn. Her rep (and she herself, in interviews) claims it was a joke, that she's 'not a serious person' and people shouldn't take her as such. At the same time, her friend Mischa Barton collapsed at the party and had to be hospitalized (apparently from a bad mix of antibiotics and too much liquor...? That's what they're claiming, anyway). A psychologist from one of the tabloids theorized it's her way of acting out; a big giant f you! to recovery.

This whole thing just sickens me. How to respond to something so obscene? Nicole Richie is to recovery what Mel Gibson is to racial tolerance, it would seem.... God. Maybe after I've slept on this I'll have something more helpful to say but right now I'm left looking for answers as much as the next person.

Thoughts on this? Anyone? They would be greatly appreciated.

Sources:
Monsters And Critics
MSNBC
EntertainmentWise

Kicking it into high gear

--Hi everybody. This is Crystal, and once again I'm taking over because Taylor's being wayyy too modest. She finally has been permanently linked on the Postsecret website and has received about one hundred and fifty emails (in 12 hours) about her shirts, and sold out in a really short time. You should all take the time to congratulate her on her victory!

Also, go check things out on the Post Secret website.

That is all! Now, to let her continue with her entry.--

Wowie zowie. First off, a big thank you to all the different e-mail-ers! Also, a big apology to all those who want shirts and found they were sold out... I'm placing an order tonight and provided shipping isn't too ridiculous will try to get it here two-day shipping.

I plan on replying to as many e-mails as I possibly can, but am not going to start tackling it tonight. I worked a double shift today and am just beat. (Plus, though I'll spare you gross girly details for once, I'm cramping like a...painful, painful, cramping thing...and just don't feel well.) The tiredness and not-feeling-well-ness are melding together into one of those super-storms that overwhelm ships and result in crappy blockbuster movies and...metaphor derailed... Haha, and the whole point of it was to say that I'm too tired to write coherently.

So. I'm going to go paint shirts until bedtime, then work another six hours or so, maybe cut my hair, then come home and do it aaaall over again! (And maybe get to some of those e-mails tomorrow night, too.)

Peace and love and monkey grease. Mwah. Kisses. Nigh' night.

Good Old Evolution

I've put the Dove 'Evolution' video in here before but, hey, it's cool, I'll do it again.



Also, when looking at that I came across another interesting little link. It won't let me embed but I'll definitely direct you back to it... In response to the Dove ad, some girl decided to make her own evolution video. It's homemade, she looks about fifteen or sixteen, so obviously the quality isn't fantastic, but it's worth watching. I enjoyed it. :) Plus, I think it's awesome that she'd have the idea and act on it in the first place. Maybe it'd be healthy if we all made our own evolution documentaries.

ED Awareness Week!

(Thank you to Laurie for reminding me. I guess I've been distracted, or just lame and forgetful...)

...Heh. Given the times, I feel like I should wear my t'shirt a lot to make a sort of positive statement. It's strange though. I can be one of the most vocal people ever, speak in front of crowds, publish the nitty gritty ugly details of my life and depression on the internet... But I'm still nervous about 'coming out' to anyone who might actually know and see me on a regular basis. None of my coworkers know about my disorder - not even Daniel, even though we spend so much time together outside work as well as at it. I'm terrified to let them find anything out about who I am outside the workplace.

I preach regularly against stigma and tell others to not be afraid to acknowledge their disorder but when it's my life and reputation on the line it's a totally different story. Don't get me wrong, I'm not confessing to being a total hypocrite. The thing is, for me to admit to anything the person pretty much has to back me into a corner and pose a true/false, yes/no question before I'll confess.

It's embarrassing. After ten years of depression, eating issues, self-injury, even more years of panic attacks and anxiety struggles, it's still utterly shameful to have someone call me out about any of them.

I don't know how to reclaim our disorders. That sounds totally horrible and not as simple and elegant as I want it to be, but the point I'm trying to make is that most, if not all, psychological disorders are an all-time favorite joke subject in this culture.

...God, this is de-railing. I've lost my direction and am rewriting each sentence like five times before getting so fed up I just leave it as is. Ugh. I think I'll cut it short.

Basically, the reason is that I'm really upset (yes, overreacting probably) about my book... I mentioned last week that my favorite book was stolen/accidentally-taken-and-not-returned by someone at work and I've not been able to get it back. As such, I'm currently trying to buy a new copy.

Problem is, a paperback edition just came out (which comparatively SUCKS) and new copies of the hardback edition are virtually gone. This book is too special and means too much to me to buy a beat up used copy and on average the book, new, sells for twenty-five to thirty bucks. Or if I purchase it via Amazon it's 16.79 but won't be shipped out until April. The special edition, which is what I had, starts at $70.

::headdesk, cries:: I want my book baaaaaack!