A more thought-out continuation

Well, I don't know how to directly link MP3s into this thing, nor can I find an actual music video for this song, but I want to put it in so...here is. It's just the song with a boring backdrop that never changes, but the point is that the song is there and in good quality (unlike most of the videos, which are cell phone video recordings of live performances).



The song is called 'Swing Life Away' and always manages to make me feel a little better. Granted, I'm still feeling quite shitty about the money situation, but despite how romanticized the song is it's still a reminder that Crystal and I aren't the only people in a really bad way who nevertheless manage to get by.

In fact, it got me thinking about pretty much all my close friends who've ever been eating disordered or major depressive or just plain crazy... One of the biggest consequences that never gets mentioned publicly is DEBT. All of us seem to be in major sort of debt. More than half have been forced to drop out of college. We've all got incredible hospital bills looming over us, nutritionists, therapists, psychiatrists, medications, ER bills and surgeries.

Continuing briefly on that last comment: yes, surgeries. I have no doubt that, in some way, my poor physical health contributed to me needing my shoulder surgery when I did. I've had joint problems for some time which I have no doubt are resultant from malnutrition taking a toll. Many other girls have nasogastric tubes to pay for, surgery to correct gastroparesis or perforated esophaguses. Surgery and eating disorders have a pretty damn high correlation from what I've seen. I mean, lets be honest.

Eating disorders don't just f-k with your head: they destroy your health. They suppress your immune system leading to a higher instance of other illnesses (i.e. chronic mononucleosis, in my case), brittle bones and osteoporosis, weakened muscular system, damaged tendons and ligaments, liver and kidney problems, tooth decay, on and on. These are all the quiet consequences no one notices until the systems start to break down, and then don't realize that they are, in fact, due to the eating disorder.

Sooo... I'm in a lot of debt. But I'm also not the only one. Maybe I just complain more, and more publicly? Who knows... Today I'm calling AES and the independent lender and working out payment plans, as well as sending off the first small check to start repaying my hospital bill.

I keep trying to remind myself that yes, I've got a lot of people to repay, but I'm only twenty years old. (Did you know that?) I may feel like I'm fifty, but in reality my parents aren't even quite that old. I've got a long time left, hopefully, and if by some freak accident I did kick the bucket then I wouldnt' have to worry about those debts anymore, anyway. Even if it took me ten years to repay these I'd be free by the time I'm thirty.

That's really not so bad in the grand scheme of things...

Right?

No Rest For The Weary and Other Cliches

I'm constantly being told that I'm way too bitter. Honestly, I don't mean to be... But I don't know how to help it! Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to have cornered an unfair share on the tragedy market. Or, at the least, the bad luck market which to a crazy depressive may as well be the same thing.

Does anyone reading this know a thing about Colorado Medicaid, how to get on it, and/or have some idea if I may be eligible for it? I'm getting desperate.

My Welbutrin ran out on Sunday. I was able to get to the pharmacy Monday night to fill the prescription only to learn that insurance has decided to stop covering my generic meds as well as the others. It covered a small part of it this last time but said that after what they were willing to pay I've reached my limit for the rest of the year. Considering the fact that the last time I'd been off Welbutrin for more than a day I crashed so hard I wasn't able to get out of bed or stop begging Crystal to let me die, I decided that my only option was to cough up the money so I could get at least one more month covered.

As such, I'm out $76.77 more than I should have been and once this prescription runs out am pretty much screwed. I already had to take myself off Effexor and Lamictal as they both cost around $300 each per month and the lack of them is undeniable.

I miss being able to function. I miss being able to laugh and smile. I miss not crying every day, pretty much hourly, at anything from smudged makeup to the latest calamity on the news. I miss being able to feel like a relatively normal human being.

Aside from the whole medication aspect, I NEED to be back in therapy. Recently I've been seriously aching to be back at an inpatient facility somewhere. I try not to talk about things which would be unnecessary and/or seriously triggering, but...yeah. I would feel so much safer in a psych ward right now.

Beyond those needs, all my medical bills from surgery are starting to come in. Those debts run into the couple thousand mark right now.

Beyond that, though this may sound stupid there's a mole I've been needing to get off for years and in the past few months it's been changing colors and growing and getting scary looking.

Beyond that, I need a car. And an apartment. And the normal costs of living. And cell phone bill.

Jody and Crystal constantly harp on me for never doing, or wanting to do, anything 'fun'. It bothers them that I'm either working, cleaning the house, working on writing and art projects, handling bills and taxes and crap, etc, etc... Crystal wants to go see movies or go to a coffee shop downtown or do something, anything, and all I can see next to those activities in my little mental chart are dollar signs and amounts of time lost. 'Fun' is torturous to me when there is so much else that needs to be done.

They frequently say that taking time to relax and take care of myself is as important as getting those other obligations filled but I just can't see it. I can't take a break from things because even when I try to mind is still tied up worrying about them. I guess that's all part of why I wish I could be inpatient again - it's like the only way I can take a break is to be put in a position where I have no other option.

I'm going to return to my car hunt now.